|
Post by job on Aug 5, 2008 15:50:23 GMT -5
Any thoughts on this one?
(Ignore the dots - I can't figure out how to tab in this format - it it's even possible).
Lawn Party: Evensong
All this fine, fair talk in the blue smoke Of dusk - .............With the voices of children before A god’s image, we carry on a while, And in careful hands, wine Cupped in glasses, swirled, examined, Gives us our richest emblems, a syntax, Even the glimpse of our next sentence; And nothing moves off base, except We are confronted with heaven’s Imperceptible slip – a light cough Between thoughts to gather more from: The coming stars, the livestock in the fields, The appearance of fireflies, the invisible Order of things only tinctured by time, Mellowed though by the sweet hint Of autumn in the air – smoke from leaves Burning in plundered piles somewhere Down the valley where our voices fall, Drawn to their hidden distance, as by An irretrievable certainty.
|
|
|
Post by bluemaydie on Aug 5, 2008 21:32:25 GMT -5
I don't like "cupped in glasses"--redundant. Specifically, I don't like "cupped." Too many vessels.
Other than that, I like it. I saw the picture you were describing.
|
|
|
Post by katycarl on Aug 6, 2008 6:56:28 GMT -5
I don't know what "drawn to their hidden distance" means, but this is lovely.
|
|
|
Post by estiel on Aug 6, 2008 8:34:42 GMT -5
Some really lovely imagery. The first three lines and the last three are especially nice. But beginning with "cupped in glasses" down to the last three lines we have repeated cacaphonic sounds that are at odds with the lovely sibilants and softness of the mentioned six lines (lovely exceptions of fields, fireflies, and voices). The alliterative repetition of c's and g's disturb the peace the poem seeks--and does express in certain beautiful spots: I love the swirl providing syntax and glimpses of our next sentence. What is wanted are rills, trills, "l" sounds and a bit of light laughter, albeit scripted, perhaps. By the way, numbering lines for the purpose of feedback would be most helpful.
|
|