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Post by gmspencer on Jul 15, 2009 15:17:23 GMT -5
My interiority
is a cloth bag
of newborn puppies.
You are the one single
whimper that gets
all my attention.
Who can say that?
“This person silences
all appetitites
clamoring inside of me.”
You create and
destroy at will.
With the back of your elegant hand
you bless and you curse.
You rainwater glazed
Red Wheel Barrow!
I am your ever
present White Chicken.
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Post by job on Jul 15, 2009 16:06:43 GMT -5
Mr. Spencer,
Take this for what it's worth, of course, but I preferred the previous draft - or at least I preferred what was complete in the incompleteness of the last draft to what is incomplete in the completeness of this one.
You buy your lines rather cheap in this one; whereas in the former, you had an argument's premises set up and what was needed was only a bit more discourse and a bit more than a bit more metrical tweaking. (Iambic pentameter, as Paul Fussell points out, is much more conducive to the contemplative or meditative line - what you approached in the last draft and what's missing in this one.) Again, I urge you to stretch the poem a bit; shoot for smoething more formal in it.
Gee, I hope I'm not discouraging you! I really think you have something - this draft ain't it, though.
Sorry!
JOB
p.s. If you haven't, do try to obtain a copy of the work I alluded to above: Paul Fussell's "Poetic Meter and Poetic Form." Indispensible to the craft.
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Post by gmspencer on Jul 15, 2009 20:01:15 GMT -5
On the contrary JOB you are very encouraging and I have really gained so much from your criticism. I have just ordered the book "Poetic Meter and Poetic Form" and I'll have it in a few days. I'll go back to the original and work on it. Again, thanks so much!
gms
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