A very short story I wrote about Baptism.

[bengeorge]

A story I wrote about Baptism. Well, sorta about Baptism, in that "overtly subtle" way that us Catholics seem to luv.

joeyhoney.blogspot.com/2005/10/absolution.html

I am afraid most people don't understand what I am doing with this story--which is entirely my fault. Did I communcate well?

[pierregambotsky]

Dear bengeoge,

That's very brave of you to be the first to put up a piece of his writing here for public scrutiny. I read the story and it definitely grabs your interest as you begin reading, but I do think there is some rewriting to be done. I don't see the subtlety being the problem, though, but rather that the reader doesn't even get a good idea of what it is that is going on in the surface. I realize that we are meant to feel the character's confusion (is it Alzheimer's he has? Or what is it exactly?), but you need to give us just enough clues to understand what is going on. I didn't really.

Also, it would help to give us some clearer clues about where in life this character is right now. Some clues suggest he's old... but he doesn't *feel* old.

Well, those are my two cents. I might be completely off the mark, of course.

[giotto]

Well done! Smooth writing style... I liked this sentence "the plates and fissures of time on what was once smooth and soft. I thought of fissuring time, the cracks in everything." Excellent.

[bengeorge]

Pierre-- I feel you are absolutely correct in your analysis of the problems with the story. But on the other hand, you are also correct in identifying that the character is old and has memory problems. So perhaps I DID communicate what I wanted to, at least as regards the age and mental state of the character.

I have found that in writing certain kinds of subtle story there is a fine line between being obscure and being too blatant. It's really a tough problem when the story is as short as this one was: One little phrase or word can make all the difference between inviting the reader to think a little and spoon feeding him (or simply confusing him!!)

Thank you very much for your feedback!

[pierregambotsky]

Ben,

Perhaps you could take a look at a story in the first Dappled Things that was narrated from a similar perspective. It's called "Ascending."