|
|
Post by bengeorge on Jul 31, 2006 18:31:14 GMT -5
Well, I don't want to be the post-hog, but no one else was posting, so, kapow--another story for y'all dappled thangs, joeyhoney.blogspot.com/2006/01/shake-dust.htmlAbout 4~5 pages printed. I now realize there is a misuse of the term "Cathedral" and "Legate." But you know what I mean. |
|
|
|
Post by syme on Aug 14, 2006 15:30:16 GMT -5
I like it, though perhaps not as much as some of your other stories. You should really just correct that problem with the use of "Cathedral" though, as I found it quite jarring. As far as the story goes, I think you are good as a storyteller, but I'm not sure if the behavior of the populace was quite believable given how OVERWHELMINGLY enthusiastic they were, and then how NO ONE showed up. Still, it makes a good point.
|
|
|
|
Post by cristina on Aug 15, 2006 7:21:34 GMT -5
I liked it. Just a few points for tweaking:
1. I agree with Syme; it's unbelievable that the villagers were very enthusiastic at first and then not one person showed interest afterwards.
2. Perhaps you could develop the character of the priest some more. I don't know if it's just me, but the tone of the narrative sometimes comes across bit smug and self-congratulatory, as if the priest were thinking "These narrow-minded parishoners who don't appreciate my ideas!" Maybe you could tweak it to make the priest more lovable.
Keep on writing!
|
|
|
|
Post by bengeorge on Aug 15, 2006 14:09:31 GMT -5
The priest was supposed to be smug and self-congradulatory.
As far as the populace goes... I wrote this story because of my involvement in my local parish over the years (and in many different parishes) and my experience with the constant excitement for planning and equally constnant aversion to actually DOING. Very frustrating.
Overall, I am dissatisfied with this story. I don't think I properly underlined my points. Hm, back to the drawing board.
|
|
