Scribbles on Oxford

[michelle]

Alright, be forewarned that I'm using this part of the forum for its exact purpose: as a workshop...so this is a 'scribble.' Of course, comments are extremely welcome.

Yours is light amid our shadows,
Shining splendor: grey, blue, gold,
And the rosy dusk of England
shines on young minds, perhaps timid but grown bold.

Bells ring wild yet e'er serene there
Thought dispels the dark and sloth,
For within that tower'd heaven
Minds weave Wisdom's ancient cloth.

Smile on all your ranks of scholars
who walk joyful through your gates,
Workers working for the glory
God's creation, here, creates.

[katycarl]

Michelle: I like the concept and several of the images -- wild serene bells, the colors of grey and blue and gold -- as well as the very nice second stanza and last two lines. This has potential.

I'm sure you're aware the last line of the first stanza has metrical issues: it's up to you to decide how to repair these; my one suggestion, whatever else you do, is to leave out the "perhaps." To me that word seems antithetical to the tone of the poem.

Also, I think it could use a little more punctuation in places where the line break isn't sufficient to show that one thought is ending and another beginning -- like the first two lines of the second stanza. I would put a semicolon after "there" and, after "glory" in the next to last line of the last stanza, a colon or dash -- something with more finality. A good test for this is to think of how the lines would appear as a sentence. If they'd flow together on their own, don't punctuate between them; if they wouldn't, do. Of course this is only hard and fast for formal poetry (and I'm speaking for everyone now, Michelle, not just you). There are times and styles in the informal poem when applying this rule would just cause a mess; there are also informal poetry where it's helpful; it depends on the case. But for something metrical and rhymed like this, you want clarity, and clear punctuation contributes to that.

I'm also not sure you need "e'er" and "tower'd", especially "tower'd," in this day and age, although if you're trying to create a feel of antiquity then I can see a case for their fitting use here.

Other than that.... thanks for posting this. I do enjoy it and would like to see a revised draft, if you'd like to post one.

[michelle]

Much obliged, katycarl! Big help. My first attempt is always 'for the sound of the thing', which is why I end up contracting 'ever' into e'er, etc. Trying to keep the cadence is tricky. Right, I'll tweak here and there.
A good weekend to everybody!

Poem of the week: Chesterton's Lepanto (masterpiece, if you ask me!)