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Post by syme on Feb 28, 2007 17:10:15 GMT -5
The nights we pass in our spiraling thoughts And like a flash, so sudden, the morning comes -- Whispers in the twilight tell tales of yonder: A home where sore feet and haggard hearts may dance.
No words can quiet the passing pages Of old tomes unread in the ages of men That call them from shores where the winds are blowing To safety and healing and laughter (and pain).
The joy of hearts that are ever beating, And secrets unheard that our minds long to learn, A meeting of ways at a fork in the road That was sought by no feet -- and none hoped to find.
This the story that no words enlighten, But that all honest men thirst to tell.
Please enlighten me with your criticism. I'd *very* much like to hear what you think, *especially* suggestions for how to improve it. (Or if you think I should toss it, say that too. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, it won't happen.)
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Post by syme on Feb 28, 2007 23:07:54 GMT -5
And yes, the title sucks.
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Post by raindear on Mar 1, 2007 9:22:25 GMT -5
Syme,
Thanks for sharing this! I especially liked the second stanza, though I was not sure who "them" refered to in the third line. Also, just a thought: "that was sought by no feet" might be more elegant as "that by feet was unsought."
Is the idea that words can never perfectly communicate the most dramatic tale, the movements of the hearts and minds of men?
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Post by syme on Mar 2, 2007 13:56:08 GMT -5
Raindear,
Your right on both counts. What I am thinking using the passive voice like that? This is not a good poem. I should just trash it. I'm more of a prose guy.
As far as the meaning, you're mostly right, though it's intended to go beyond the movements. But poets are supposed to be secretive and mysterious, so that's all I'm saying. Ha!
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Post by cristina on Mar 4, 2007 2:27:13 GMT -5
This is not a good poem. I should just trash it. I'm more of a prose guy. Don't give up yet. The weak points of the poem are the lack of tightening, the lack of concrete images, and the extensive use of cliches when you do have images. The poem's strong point is the rhythm. You have an ear for rhythm, so I think you could learn to write good poetry. For now, work on tightening the writing. Don't worry; there's a huge chance that the rhythm won't suffer. Sometimes, when I revise a draft of a poem, I am loath to delete a word which I realize is unnecessary because I'm afraid of destroying the rhythm. But in a third revision, I often realize that the pruning won't destroy the rhythm. No need to bother yet with what I said about the cliches and the images. The use of fresh imagery is hard to master; I'm still learning it myself. Besides, perhaps in the process of tightening the writing, the imagery might improve also. Finally, remember this: every attempt to write poetry, no matter what the result is, makes you a better poet. It is an opportunity for you to experiment with language.
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Post by syme on Mar 4, 2007 2:54:30 GMT -5
Thanks Cristina, you're right about the images and the need to tighten up the writing. Especially about the images. They're definitely huge cliches. I'll take a look at the writing in the coming days and see what I can do.
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