Catholic fantasy anyone?

[michelletherese]

Ok, the moment of ultimate vulnerability: I'm going to drop this on the forum and then run and hide under a rock for a while. I'll come back and check if I've been booted off of the forums for horrid writing...or if maybe "Catholic Fantasy" might have more then a snowball's chance in the Saharah Desert...

There is no title. This is a section from part of my book. I hope it's not too long. Also, it's still in draft form. I'll tinker with it about twenty more times until I decide it's finished. God bless!

To help avoid confusion: there are two ships. One is the "Mothership" - the main ship. The other is a smaller ship that has landed on Earth. This is all detailed in previous chapters. Hopefully you will be able to keep these two ships straight as you read...


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Lord Cance looked Shana up and down.

"Are you ready?" he asked as she stood firm and met his gaze with unwavering eyes.

"Yes, my Lord."

"Now remember: you have a direct com link with us and with His Highness on the Mothership. The link will be open every second of the day. If anything goes wrong do not blow your cover: stand by until we can help you out of the situation. Do you understand?"

"Yes, my Lord. I understand fully."

Lord Cance embraced his dear cousin in a crushing embrace. "Stay safe, m'chiri. As soon as the weapon has been located and neutralized we will all be able to return home. May God be with you."

Shana then made the rounds and embraced each one of her crew members. They blessed her and gave her the kiss of peace. Everyone promised to pray for her each and every day that she was separated from them. Nikol, her husband, was last. She clung to him for a long time. He softly kissed her hair and her eyes and then, her quivering lips. Hot tears slid down her cheeks and splashed onto his crisp surgeon's uniform. He was amazed that he somehow managed to stand there so strong and dry-eyed when all he wanted to do was grab her and howl with grief. She finally wrenched herself from him and left the ship with her cousin. At the door she gave everyone a final glace and waved goodbye. Nikol stood there staring at the door for a long time after it closed. Finally someone got up and suggested that he go and sit down and he mutely complied.

His Lordship and Shana traveled the short distance to Spotted Horse's camp through the dark and misty woods. Shana didn't like the woods. They were creepy. She wrinkled her nose in distaste. This fallen world...devistated by a flood 4,000 years ago that had left the planet in utter caos with deep gashes in the landscape, stunted scrawny trees and all manner of crazy weather patterns. It wasn't a nice place! Lord Cance turned and warned her about the thick log laying across the path. Shana stepped over it and tried not to shudder as the smell of rotting wood filled her nose. The scream of insects was deafening. The sound of animals darting about in the blackness was nerve-wracking.

"Tell me again why we have to help these people?" She whispered. "They caused their world to fall into this state of destruction becasue of their own stupidity and sin. They continue in their evil ways and we have to come to their rescue?"

"We are here because many of them have begged God for His merciful intervetion." Lord Cance replied. Again he turned to his cousin but this time he took her hand and led her into a clearing. She held onto his hand as if for dear life. Chief Spotted Horse was waiting for them by a warm fire. He stood up as they emerged from the trees.

"Hello!" he greeted the two copper-eyed aliens. They bowed respectfully towards the Native Elder. Again Spotted Horse was struck by how human the two looked - human but huge and gifted with far better sight and hearing then any person on earth.

"This is my cousin, Shana." Lord Cance introduced the younger woman standing by his side. "She is the one you are to instruct in everything she must know in order to fulfill her duties."

Spotted Horse studied the girl. She stood about seven feet high. She would tower over every on earth - except maybe that really tall herdsman guy in Nepal that he had read about recently in the news...

"Where is your cone house?" Shana asked out of nowhere. Spotted Horse blinked in confusion.

"My cone house?"

"Yes - like this." and Shana proceeded to make a tipi with her hands.

"Oh!" Spotted Horse gestured towards the green-and-tan Coleman tent. "We don't use tipis much anymore. I brought along a modern tent. We live in houses now." She wouldn't fit in the tent - would she even fit in the house??

"Yes but... our databanks reported that your cone houses - tipis - are still in use." Shana countered.

"That's true - some of the Native People in this country still use tipis when out camping or attending pow wows." The old man explained. "But they are no longer used as a standard form of housing."

"I see." Shana replied, a bit disapointed. She had thought she was going to live in one of the cone houses. At least that would have made for an interesting experience. But, alas!

Chief Spotted Horse gestured for his two towering guests to be seated on the log by the fire. He had spread sheep skins across it and was now in the process of pouring two cups of coffee.

Lord Cance sat down and descreetly pulled his reluctant cousin down with him. The log was damp and it stank of decay. The dead animal pelts were downright nasty. But Shana said nothing and she obediently sipped at the cup of hot stuff that the Native Elder handed her. Upon the first sip she gagged and when no one was looking she upended the cup in the darkness behind the log. The pungent smell of the drink mingled with the rotten forest floor smells and nearly caused her to wretch.

"What a disgusting drink!" she whispered quietly to herself as the steam faded away behind her. Only Lord Cance could hear her and he had to supress a grin. He pointedly cleared his throat.

"What was that stuff?" a voice spoke in her ear. It was Nikol on the ship.

"I have no idea." She whispered back. Everyone on board was listening in. They all felt immensly sorry for her.

"Imagine having to be subject to such inferior food and drink for God knows how long?" someone spoke in the background. They had the com wide open so everyone could hear what was going on. His Highness had his private com link open on the Mothership and could hear everything as well.

"Egads!" Acroni snorted.

Shana heard him clearly through her com link and coughed as she tried to supress a giggle.

"Godly charity, my brethren." His Highness softly reminded them all from where he sat in his royal chamber on board the massive Mothership. Shana cringed. Everyone on the smaller ship fell silent. To Chief Spotted Horse it seemed as if Lord Cance was rubbing his ear and grimacing.

"Is something wrong?" he asked the bigger man.

"No, nothing is wrong. I thank you for your concern." His Lordship replied and nudged Shana with his elbow. She grew silent and sat still. Everyone on the ship kept their lips sealed. His Highness smiled tolerantly and silently prayed for his young kinswoman to have courage and strength.

Chief Spotted Horse filled His Lordship's cup with fresh coffee but Shana politely refused.

"Good idea." The Native Elder said. "You won't be able to sleep tonight if you drink too much."

Shana was horrified. "What is this stuff??" she blurted. Everyone on board the shuttle silently waited in anticipation. They were dying to know!

"It's called coffee." Spotted Horse told her. "It comes from ground up coffee beans grown in South America or Africa."

"It's delightful!" Shana said with a cheesy smile and tried her best to look delighted.

Lord Cance and Chief Spotted Horse discussed several things while Shana sat quietly so that everyone could hear through their com links. Finally the Chief pointed his finger at her. She sat up and tried to look important.

"I can understand that you do not want me to know the nature of this mission." He said. "It's never a good thing to know too much. But I have no idea how I am going to hide a seven foot tall looming giant of a girl with copper hair and gleaming copper eyes!" The old man studdied the startled woman. "Can you shrink her or something?"

"Do not worry." Lord Cance said. "We have all of these details worked out fully. Before I return to the ship she will have assumed the likeness of a Native American woman - including the proper height."

"Now how are you going to achieve that?" Spotted Horse demanded.

"That is something we can't even begin to explain to you." His Lordship replied.

"You got that right." Someone muttered on the shuttle. His Highness cleared his throat meaningfully and everyone fell silent again.

Shana clutched her cousin's hand and tried to swollow the lump of grief and distress that rose in her throat. She could tell that it was time for him to return to the ship because the sun was just beginning to rise. They could not risk the ship being seen so it had to fly out under the cover of darkness.

Lord Cance squeezed her fingers and turned to her. Chief Spotted Horse announced that he would return in a few minutes time - he had to go do something somewhere down the path.

"Strength, kinswoman." Cance whispered softly in her ear. Everyone on the ship was nearly moved to tears as they realized how close Shana was to be separated from them. This situation was incredibly dreadful and everyone was deeply affected. Lord Cance was doing his best to keep Shana from falling apart while at the same time he was struggling with his own anger and sadness. "It cannot be long." he whispered in his calm and steady voice. "You will soon be reunited with us and we will all return home. In a short time this entire experience will be far behind you."

Shana did not speak. She simply lay her head on her cousin's shoulder and tried to stay focused on her resolve to bravely fulfill her duty. Her duty to her people and, above all, her duty to God.

On board the small ship Nikol sorrowfully bowed his head and felt comforting arms embracing him as he fought to remain silent. His Highness sent a typed message that as soon as Lord Cance returned to the shuttle Nikol was to contact the Prince on a private link. Someone replied for Shana's husband - he wasn't fit to do anything but sit and silently pray for strength.

[syme]

Michelle,

Thank you for posting this. It takes a lot of courage to put our work out there for others to read and critique. I'd be curious to know where in the book this takes place? I imagine towards the beginning, right? I'd be curious to see how the book actually begins though. Might you be able to post a couple of the first pages? I, at least, would find that helpful. I would prefer reading that before giving you any comments, perhaps because this being just a section from the book, it lacks a hook to draw you in at the beginning. Still, I'm definitely intrigued by what you're trying to do here. Don't stay under that rock too long!

[michelletherese]

Sadly the rest of the book is in America - waiting to be shipped over here! I'm not ready to ship my stuff yet because I'm still buying things for my new home. This wee section I posted takes place probably about 3/4 of the way into the book.

[Rieping]

Thanks for sharing your excerpt. Here's my honest response: At first I found it hard to get into, but I persevered and by two-thirds through I had grown interested in the story and didn't want to see it end so soon. One problem I had was keeping a clear picture in my mind of what was happening. There seemed to be so many voices and persons that I kept getting confused, although I imagine this will be less problematic if I had read the novel from the beginning.

There also seems to be too little specific sensual detail for my preference, although adding too much could be an even worse problem. You mention stunted and scrawny trees in a misty forest. Did the trees have needles or leaves? Smooth or rough bark? Or were there a variety of trees? Were there any unfamiliar animal sounds? It seems a great opportunity to highlight the strangeness (for Shana) of the familiar landscape (for us), and could even be amusing as she deeply understands or naively misunderstands what is about her.

On a theological note, are these aliens free from Original Sin or have they too fallen from grace? Either way they would still be fallible creatures, although perhaps free from sin if in a state of Original Justice. Be sure to display their quirks and fallibility or I think readers may have difficulty believing they are real.

Lastly, you need to spellcheck and/or grab the assistance of a copy editor.

As far as what I loved most of the entire story, it would be the farewell between Shana and her husband. That was very evocative. Good job!

[syme]

Dear Michelle,

I'm sorry I've been so long in posting my thoughts, but the last few weeks have been rather busy for me. In any case, thanks a lot for posting your work. I'd be very interested in taking a look at the beginning pages whenever you get hold of the book. As it stands, it is a little hard to comment on because things that seem not to work might be OK once one has the backstory for each character and especially for the alien culture. From what I can tell, I suppose these aliens are not fallen beings and are somehow in more direct contact with God than we are. Is that correct? That is definitely and interesting topic to pursue, as I've always wondered what might happen if fallen and unfallen rational beings met. I've often thought that perhaps the reason the universe is so big is to prevent that from ever happening (assuming there were other rational beings out there). But who knows? In any case, I was thinking that if the aliens are in fact unfallen, you might consider making some adjustments to their character and culture. When I was reading it I got the feeling that they were both too human and not human enough. What I mean is that on the one hand, they seem a little to lofty to be believable. Take the way the leader of the aliens speaks: at times it feels a little like a parody. Also, the way the aliens express their religion just felt a little weird to me... I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it's a tricky thing to convey and I think you need to consider whether you've done it in the best way possible. Lines like "they all promised to pray for each other" just rub me the wrong way. It sounds to pietistic or something. And then on the other hand, these same characters seem to exhibit a variety of human foibles. The way they gather to hear what Shana is experiencing and the way the comment about it seems at times to verge on the petty. There's a certain gossipiness or silliness in them that seems out of character. And then of course there is the fact that Shana lies to Spotted Horse. Even if it was a "white lie," I would not expect this sort of behavior from an unfallen character. Rather, something interesting would be to make an attempt to show how an unfallen being might be able to communicate the truth without offending the one who hears it. Finally, why are there databases so out of date? I know you mean the "cone house" thing to be a lighthearted episode, and it is, but it just makes you wonder why such an advanced culture would know so little about the people they are coming to help.

I'm sorry if I've concentrated on the negative a little too much, but I thought I should post the comments that you might find more profitable whenever you are making revisions to your book. I do think this is a project worth pursuing, and I would like to know more about it. Why are they on earth, I wonder? I'm intrigued to see what type of adventure they are caught up in, as we never really know what Shana's mission is from this excerpt. Please do let us see a little more of it when you get the chance!

[pierregambotsky]

You know what I intrigued to find out? How do these aliens approach religion and God? Can they talk with him directly? Or can they just listen to His voice within their conscience more efficiently than we can? What is the significance of Christ for them since they are not human and unfallen? How then do they approach the Second Person of the Trinity? Are they sort of like the angels in that sense? And if they haven't sinned, do they die then? If not, when do they enter Heaven? And how much do they know about it and the end of times? I think these are all questions that you should consider as you write your book. I'd love to see what answers you come up with.