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Bathe
Dec 18, 2007 22:32:11 GMT -5
Post by timjim77 on Dec 18, 2007 22:32:11 GMT -5
Bathe Tim Barr
Steam rises.
The bath smells warm and young, Filled with motherwhite. It drips from the thorn-pricked sky Into the basin.
Naked I walk into the wasteland And sink my head below the shallow, And my heart tastes blood. Fear bubbles beneath as I come rushing up The vein of air to breathe again.
And he is standing beside With a crown in his hand. He dips it near my feet, Places it gently on my head.
Even the plague is made new.
He is empty, so pure I cannot see Through him, only forever into him. I know that I am bathing in his gift.
Be clean.
He speaks in the ripples. I long to drown in his hope To never need to breathe again, But be frozen in the heat of a heaven.
It is good that I am here.
But the dry dome arises, And carries me off on a broken hill. I am a thief, only living to return what I stole.
-Critique please.-
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Bathe
Dec 20, 2007 0:46:40 GMT -5
Post by syme on Dec 20, 2007 0:46:40 GMT -5
Welcome to the forums Tim. I really liked your poem in the last issue. Congrats on winning the contest!
As for my critique, I'll have to ask you to wait a bit. I prefer to read poems a couple of times and let them sink in a bit before making comments on them.
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Bathe
Jan 7, 2008 0:53:51 GMT -5
Post by syme on Jan 7, 2008 0:53:51 GMT -5
Hello again Tim. It has been a couple of weeks but here I am again with some comments. I don't know if I have anything intelligent to say, but since you say you want to hear people's reactions, I'll give you mine. It would be nice to hear what other forum members have to say as well, as that would probably enrich my understanding of your poem.
From reading you poem over a couple of times what I gather is that you are describing the experience of being immersed in God's grace. Prayers ascend to heaven like the steam, and grace flows forth from the "thorn-pricked sky" into the world. So far that is what I'm getting. That and also the suggestion of being (temporarily, I hope) separated from that grace as the earth rises and takes you out of the of the waters.
I'm not sure if I'm assigning the correct meaning to the steam, or even if it is a meaning as particular as that (maybe the image can mean many things at once), but in any case, I do think it is a very nice line with which to begin the poem. Steam rising immediately calls up images in my mind and is very evocative. And the way the two words are set off on their own miny-stanza works very well as far as I'm concerned.
I also like the phrase "my heart tastes blood," its odd but strangely appropriate. I like it.
I must admit, however, that the poem perplexes me a little. While I think I just described might be an approximation of what is going on over-all, I'm never quite certain of what each individual image is doing. I don't really know what to do with a bath smelling "warm," and I am still trying to imagine what that "vein of air" looks like, let alone what it is. Also at the end: is the dry dome the same as the broken hill? If not, then what is the dry dome? If yes, then why say that it is carrying you on "a broken hill" rather than just carrying you off, period? If I were to carry you off you wouldn't say that "he carried me off on a burdened syme," right? But that is probably not what you are saying anyway. The last line seems also perplexing in the context of this poem. What is he a thief of? Why the image of a thief in a poem about a bath?
I guess with all this what I'm really trying to say is that I think you should reconsider the way you are using the various images in this poem. There are many different ones and I'm not sure they all work together. Other may well disagree, but when reading this poem the various images all thrown at me at once tended to confuse me more than they illuminated your vision in my mind. Think of your use of images in the Paschal Four, which was very well structured and coherent. That was a complex and challenging poem for a reader, but at the same time its images where structured in such a way that they illuminated your meaning and vision very beautifully.
Now, please understand that I say this full of admiration for your talents as a poet. I'm only offering what I hope can be some constructive criticism. I hope can be of some use to you.
Another question (which you don't need to answer... more of a question to myself): - What do you mean by "He is empty"?
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Bathe
Jan 13, 2008 22:25:28 GMT -5
Post by timjim77 on Jan 13, 2008 22:25:28 GMT -5
Thanks so much for your comments!
Haha, I sort of have a strange knack for confusing imagery I suppose. I hate to explain things away because I do believe that images and symbols hold more meaning than the one or more the author dictates. I am a bit of a Jungian in that regard. I will try to clear things up a bit.
-The dry dome is a reference to the creation story in Genesis when a dry dome arises in the midst of the water. -The hill, more specifically, is Calvary. -The thief is a partial reference to the thief on Calvary.
The question about the emptiness is a very good one, and one I'm a bit afraid to answer. in one respect, it is the complete giving away of the Self.
There is a bit of the imagery I want to make more clear, which is that the bath itself is blood, white blood. I don't think that is clear. I would like to message you, but your email is hidden.
Thanks again! I'll revise soon.
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